Preparing Tamales in MEX 2006 - Brenda Avadian

Nostalgia—Fondness for Times Past

Why do some of us cling to the past?

Recent articles shed light on nostalgia and our fondness for times past. In explaining what nostalgia is, Dillon Wallace notes in his article, What is nostalgia and why do we crave it?  that “the mind’s unwillingness to let go of childhood” was once viewed as a mental condition similar to depression.

What’s wrong with returning to the “good-old-days”?

Nostalgia is seen today as more of a pleasant experience giving people a sense of belonging, a higher self-esteem, and even increasing their charitable actions.

Why do some of us crave nostalgia more than others?

Before he died, a dear friend and his wife collected and restored classic Corvettes including a 1953 model (featuring a white exterior and red interior). Of the 300 made that year, his was one of the first 30 (in the 20s, I recall). He once told me that he collected them because as a young man (destined to fly in the Air Force, Vietnam, and later, test world-class fighter planes for Lockheed), he always wanted a Corvette but could not afford one. Nostalgia proved to be very profitable for him and his wife after they sold that particular restored model to an overseas buyer for an impressive high six-figures!

Some of us prefer looking ahead.

Others, like me, prefer forward movement. Life has so much to offer and in the short time we have on earth, I prefer to enjoy the present unfolding into a future filled with new opportunities.

In truth, we can never go home. The buildings are in disrepair, remodeled, demolished, or built anew. The people have changed, moved away, or died. Even those returning to small towns that seem unchanged will see with new eyes.

Preparing Tamales in MEX 2006 - Brenda AvadianWhile I have no desire yet to relive the long-cold-winters of my Midwestern formative years, I hold two impressionable memories. I read about both in books during elementary and junior high school and had to relive them in my adult years. As a youth, I was fascinated by stories of Mexican families gathering during the holidays to make tamales. During Christmas of 2006, while in Mexico, I made tamales with friends who became family. The second, I will realize next month when I go whale watching. I hope to spot the elusive blue whale along California’s coastline. Realistically, I may barely see enough of the whale to appreciate the illustrated images imprinted in my mind from the book I read almost a half-century ago. “Eskimo families hunt together” and then share the whale for food, clothing, and heating oil.

What makes us hold on?

Familiarity. Pleasant memories. Feeling safe. Fun.

Perhaps, like the pilot and his Corvette collection, nostalgia serves as an anchor as we relive the memories of our youth.

Yet, material things rarely fascinated me as much as experiences. But wait. Why then do I hold onto the old Singer sewing machine that my mother used while I pulled open and closed the drawers and tried on different-sized thimbles as a 3- and 4-year-old? Why do I still have the old Underwood typewriter with the black and red ribbon?

The truth is, we can only capture pieces of the past. For those willing to shed pieces in that small rearview mirror that is our past and make room for the open road ahead, we need patience and time.

The first of the two magic questions in STUFFology 101: Get Your Mind Out of the Clutter book will help us.

MAGIC QUESTION #1: If I lost this item in a disaster, would I take the time to replace it?

It’s never too late. Start now, while you’re young enough. Whether you’re 30 or 80, you’ll never be as young as you are today. Enjoy what you have then let go to let in what life has to offer. And no, I would not reacquire the Singer sewing machine. I would however buy the Underwood typewriter.

For more information:

A different take on holding onto our clutter: Does our stuff provide comfort or is it holding us hostage?

Why do we crave nostalgia during times of crisis? – Medium

Why We Reach for Nostalgia in Times of Crisis – NYTimes

Digital Clutter Creep

How do you spend your time?

Time is an interesting concept. We can spend it, save it, or waste it.

My recent computer issues forced me to spend a great deal of time fixing my mistake. But also offered me the opportunity to examine how much time I was in front of a computer screen for work and leisure.

Your desktop, laptop, tablet, and smart phone all count as a computer screen for my purposes/definition. Turns out it was quite a bit of time each day.

For me that is a combination of digital and temporal clutter. How often have you gone on Facebook to do a quick check on a friend or family member and realize an hour has passed when you log off? Or maybe clicked a link your friend sent you of a YouTube video and are still watching related content a half hour later? The examples are endless across social media platforms. Even checking your email can be a giant time suck from your day.

I mention these examples not to be judgmental. I mention them because I have done them myself without really thinking about it. If you value your time like I do, it is important to review where the hours go each day.

Email is one of my clutter issues. I would sign up for a newsletter on a topic of interest and continue with it even after losing interest over time. The delete key easily removing the newsletter from my inbox. Consider that over multiple newsletters and many months equals wasted time. Part of my solution to my digital clutter when migrating information over to my newer laptop was to ruthlessly unsubscribe from newsletters to clear up my inbox. Simple I know. Yet it took a computer device failure to look critically at my email and how much time I spent with it. Digital clutter creep if you will.

I challenge you to take a step back and examine where your time goes each day.

NAPA Wine Country Castello di Amorosa in Calistoga-tcv

Thoughts of Decluttering while on Vacation

A couple weeks ago, I returned from a week in California’s Napa and Sonoma valleys. My primary goal was to enjoy the beauty of wine country and secondly, to do a little wine tasting. COVID altered my plans to visit Tuscany, so I adapted. My eyes feasted on rolling vineyards, the beautiful Castello di Amorosa in Calistoga (pictured) and Jordan Winery’s French chateau in Healdsburg. I enjoyed private reserve tastings at three wineries in Santa Rosa, Sonoma, and Napa. Nature gifted me with her flora and fauna in Geyserville and Santa Rosa. I was in awe at the awesome power of the winds and waves of the Pacific Ocean below Bodega Head.

NAPA Wine Country Castello di Amorosa in Calistoga-tcv

Purging Thoughts

An interesting thing happened while on this trip. Occasionally, I had mind-dialogues with my ex. At first, I felt a put-off by these intrusive thoughts. Ultimately, I am an optimist. I realized (the next day) that I was engaging in a healthy purging of mental clutter. Indulge me as I explain.

In relationships, people have different views of the world and how to navigate life. In my marriage, I lived with a lot of projections and negativity. I had no idea my ex was projecting his fears upon me and our relationship until early on across a dozen therapy sessions. While his personality was calm and unassuming, and mine, more socially outward, I was letting him control me.

As I enjoyed exploring Napa and Sonoma in my own way, these thoughts entered my mind. I refuse to carry baggage, so I let in these periodic controlling statements and then released them.

If I am truly responsible for creating the new chapters in my life, I must continue clearing out the dark corners in my mind.

“No, let’s not go there. These rental cars are not maintained. What if the car breaks down?”

I went anyway. I drove 300 miles of planned and unplanned adventures during the four-and-a-half days of my trip. I explored miles of rural beauty in Geyserville upon the sommelier’s recommendation. I drove up the windy road to Bodega Head. At the top, the wind was blowing so hard, I lost my footing several times trying to take pictures and shoot video from the cliffs above the seashore.Bodega Head - Avadian photo

“You said we’d leave at 8. It’s already 8:45 and we’re going to be late for the wine tasting. Money we already paid, wasted.”

I left Santa Rosa, drove an hour southeast for a carne empanada (yummy) at El Porteño in Oxbow Market. I walked around the market and bought spices. Then I took a leisurely drive up to Frog’s Leap. Arriving early for the 11:15 wine tasting, I meandered upon the scenic grounds.

I prefer to learn from and then let go of the past. I live attentively in the present and find little regret or guilt with statements like “I should have…” “I wish I had…”. I am continually curious, learning new things, and open to adventure.

An article about gray divorces brought me comfort as it reflected my own situation. Men and women, post-divorce, seek different things. In short, men leave long-term relationships to find someone with whom to fill a void they perceive was missing. Women thrive on new experiences.

After living four-plus decades with more negativity than our marriage could endure, this trip was a welcome-journey filled with uplifting yesses. There will undoubtedly be more inner dialogues in the future. I’ll pay attention, in order to let go of more mental clutter.

For more, read Your Choice – Declutter Your Mind or Your Relationship.

Digital Clutter Causes Computer Confusion

How much do you rely on your computer, laptop, tablet, or smart phone? More than you may realize since they are heavily integrated into how we live day to day. The lines between work and leisure are blurred. And any of these devices have quick access to family and friends via social media.

I am old school with respect to technology. I use a desktop computer with a regular sized alpha-numeric keyboard, and a large, easy to read screen. Much like your car, it requires routine maintenance. Similarly, it will not last indefinitely, as much as we might want it to. Worse, the rapid pace of technological change quickly makes these items obsolete, or at least incompatible with the newest software for a given device.

What does that have to do with clutter? That depends on you and your preferred device. I strongly dislike the smaller screens of a smart phone, or tablet. And am less than enthusiastic about the usually compressed keyboard of a laptop. Hence my preference for my older desktop. But I allowed digital clutter to accumulate, causing unforeseen issues with my favorite device. That is, my desktop experienced Digital Clutter Confusion.

The wide variety of cloud storage options should give us the ability to work across devices when technology fails, but only if we use them. I am sorry to say that I had not kept up to date with my important files and am still dealing with the fallout for my lack of diligence.

You may have noticed a gap in blog posts for STUFFology101.com. That is my fault, and I sincerely apologize. Most of my information for the website is on my desktop. When my hard drive began to fail, I had difficulties accessing the information I needed to even login to the site. As with so many things in life, I learned the hard way to run regular backups and keep important passwords on physical paper in a safe location.

Equally important is keeping your software up to date, and ensuring your firewall, anti-virus, and/or malware programs are running and current. Self-evident I know, but random things happen in life. I have again learned the hard way that one should double check such things before you work or play on any device. Here is a handy list of computer maintenance tips you can reference to keep your device operating smoothly.

The benefit of computer or other technology problems we experience is discovering solutions that prevent them from occurring again. For me, I had time to reflect on my reliance on one specific piece of technology, my desktop. AND take a hard look at how much time I spent online working on a project or playing on social media. Too much screen time is a bad thing. More on that topic for a future post.

Luckily for me, I have recovered my important data. I have saved it to my cloud storage and a new portable external hard drive (just in case). Like physical clutter, I encourage you to take a moment TODAY to clear out those files you no longer need and lessen the digital clutter on that device. Hopefully, you learn from my mistake and avoid the inconvenience and frustration of device failure.

Brenda Avadian with Lisa Lopez on her birthday

A Walk Down Memory Lane

Remember the banker’s box I wrote about in last month’s Decluttering a Mountain in My Mind? Well, I almost titled this post, A Painful Walk Down Memory Lane.

Older Friends and Colleagues Have Passed Away

When you have worked with people and have friends who are much older than you, you may never see them again after losing touch over the years. You’ll only be able to savor the memories.

A spry colleague, about 25 years my senior and a long-time contributing member in our community, passed away last year shortly before the COVID-19 shutdown. While going through my older paperwork as The Caregiver’s Voice—helping family members and professionals who care for people with dementia, I found her number and called. Disconnected. I looked online and found a more current associate of hers who relayed the information of her passing to me. She led a Parkinson’s support group in our valley until the very end.

Memories Tucked Away

Among the papers I was looking through was a yellow-lined sheet of paper torn from a small notepad. On it, in her writing, was her name, address and telephone number. I searched for her online as she was of immense help to me in scoring the music I co-composed to commemorate the Bicentennial of the US Constitution, while serving among Alverno College’s faculty. I called her and left a message. I will call her once more since I didn’t receive a call back. It would be nice to touch base after more than a third century since we last saw one another.

Hesitate to Reach Out to Someone?

We’ve all done it. We don’t call because we fear or figure the person could call us. Fair enough. I have a public presence and it’s easy for someone who desires to reconnect to reach out to me. Some of my friends and even family members are so private, I’m not sure what they’ve been doing for the last quarter century.

Still, it’s up to us. I choose to reach out to those people along the river of my life who I think about. I wonder how their lives unfolded. I have reached out, including family members, who won’t return my calls or respond to letters or even birthday cards. After several tries, I’ve learned to let go. While I miss them, they may not miss me or need me in their lives. Meanwhile, I enjoy reconnecting and learning about those who are willing to share life’s adventures across the years.

Consider this. If you hesitate to call someone, turn the tables. Imagine if out of the blue, three decades later, someone calls you and says, I was going through some old paperwork and found some notes and have been thinking about you.

Brenda Avadian with Lisa Lopez on her birthday

How would you feel?

WOW!

The world we live in today is increasingly self-focused. Most appear to avoid contact with their faces buried in smartphones. Attention has gone virtual.

You never know what unexpected gift you could give another or receive by reconnecting. At the very least, reconnecting it likely have a positive effect on both of your lives.

Inspire us. Let us know what you have done.

Time for Yourself

Time goes by each day. How do you spend your time? Time management is important for our general health and happiness.

In STUFFology 101: Get Your Mind Out of the Clutter we note that, “All of us have 168 hours each week. How we fill those hours determines the quality of our lives.”

Are you busy? Probably. Life can be hectic for many of us. Temporal clutter often keeps us from taking time for ourselves.

Do you make time for yourself? If you don’t, your body will eventually protest.

Here are a few resources that may help:

The picture I chose for this blog post is a digital clock with a slightly off-kilter display. A useful metaphor for how we spend our time each day. That is, we can be off-kilter if we don’t take time for ourselves.

A quotation from Diane von Furstenberg reinforces this point well,

“It is so important to take time for yourself and find clarity. The most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.”

Take time for yourself today!

Bonus quotations to further help you remember to take time for yourself.

Not talking to you - seashells - Avadian photo

Your Choice – Declutter Your Mind or Your Relationship

Have you been in a relationship where someone you cared about didn’t share what was bothering them? They held their thoughts inside.

I spent over 40 years in a thought-hoarding relationship.

It didn’t end well.

Not talking to you - seashells - Avadian photo

When we allow the clutter of thoughts and emotions to build for too long, we become toxic.

At some point, we have to release the pressure.

Scotland-based author, Don Johnson writes in his bio that he’s lived in meditative introspection as a monk and survived “the shark-infested waters of corporate America.” He offers a guide to saying aloud those things we have difficulty saying.

Why do we hold onto these thoughts when they can be so damaging over time?

Johnson’s view is that we fear we’ll be rejected or upset the other person.

Consider the long-term effects of toxicity.

Do you risk offending someone you care about? Or do you risk burning them after pummeling them with your pressure-cooker of problems?

I believe in dealing with issues as they come along. Bite-sized pieces are more palatable and digestible than swallowing months and even years of toxic thought-vomit.

Few relationships survive the drama that punctuates periods of pseudo-peace.

Explosive behaviors at their worst, result in violence and even fatalities. At the very least, they prove fatal to the life of the relationship.

Johnson offers four tips. Two are to be aware of and then detoxify our “left-hand column”—those thoughts and feelings we don’t express. The next is to having a learning mindset. Be open to other ways of thinking and seeing the world. Finally, he suggests we have a “kitchen conversation” (instead of a dining room conversation). This distinction alone is worth the time it will take to read this short article.

It’s time to face one another and have the difficult discussions. What do you have to lose?

 

ICYMI: BELIEFS – We Hold the Power to Change our Lives

Kids, Cats, and Clutter

Is your living space in chaos or is it clean?

Maybe both depending on what area of the house you are talking about! Despite our best efforts, clutter often appears like magic. Kids and cats (or other pets) often contribute to clutter chaos.

We recently emptied out a closet containing assorted storage bins. Just because something is stored away neatly doesn’t mean it isn’t clutter.

Bin there done that.

In this case, the bins were full of old baby clothes and other assorted keepsakes from my daughters. Now that we have a granddaughter, time to check on those clothes! Styles change of course, but jeans are always useful.

Cats are like kids in that they have toys and other items that must be stored when not in use. If you have multiple cats, then you probably have multiple cat boxes to rotate as you replace them to clean out the used cat litter. Yet another item to store until needed.

Clearing the clutter to keep chaos at bay can be a never-ending process. Life is full of adventure with kids and cats (or other animals). Enjoy the moment. Some days the clutter gets ahead and that’s ok on occasion. Tomorrow you’ll have another opportunity to clean away the clutter.

Be at peace with your day if kids, cats, and clutter have their way.

A mountain of clutter - Cottonwood Lakes 2020

Decluttering a Mountain in My Mind

What has felt like a mountain of clutter in my mind crumbled into a manageable molehill after I stopped procrastinating.

I have a banker’s box filled with miscellaneous paperwork. When I want to read something, I place it in this box. Unfortunately, this practice resulted in a growing collection of assorted papers and magazines for over a decade. While I’ve reviewed and tossed or shredded papers in this box, they reproduce.

I took some time on Easter Sunday, to go through this box after being inspired by memories of a “recovering procrastinator.” I searched online to see what she was up to. We hadn’t been in touch in a few years while I was going through a divorce. Rita Emmett had a marvelous sense of humor as she spoke and wrote about procrastinating. Sadly, she died almost two years ago.

During one of our last calls, Rita and I talked about how a molehill of tasks grows into a mountain, simply because we keep putting it off.

A mountain of clutter

This box is in my office next to the file cabinet. Seeing it, reminds me daily to continue making progress. While the mountain seemed too high; once I started climbing, it began to crumble. My “treasured keepsakes” no longer held the importance I once ascribed to them.

Today, I have different needs and interests.

Paperwork is the most time-consuming. Some people will say, “I don’t even want to see it. Toss it.” Others will need to go through it once more. I am one of the others. It’s a good thing, because I found financial records that need to be shredded.

I also found a little surprise—my notes from a wine-tasting trip from about 20 years ago. Since I’m planning a trip to the same area next month, these detailed notes were a helpful reminder of my experiences.

While the contents in the box are more loosely spaced and easier to look through, I keep adding files and other paperwork. Still, I’m a lot further along thanks to inspiring memories of Rita.

Also read—

Decluttering for Relaxation on Presidents’ Day

Tomorrow is Too Late to Deal with Procrastination

Coffee Table Clutter

A coffee table is a decent sized flat surface that comes in various shapes. Also known as a clutter magnet in our house. That is, it becomes a haven for clutter creep.

Family members, pets, and maybe even gremlins contribute to the cluttering or cleaning of our coffee table, depending on the day of the week.

Here is a partial list of items in our coffee table space just yesterday:

Perhaps not obviously, these items change, or disappear completely by the end of the day. Toys and books return to the shelf or bin. Laundry gets put away where it belongs. And other items are straightened up and so on.

My point is that clearing the clutter is an ongoing process. It also depends on how YOU define your clutter.

Pro tip: Keep clutter creep at bay by cleaning up throughout the day!